This week was very challenging for me. I questioned my self-worth, beauty, strength and felt extremely vulnerable.
While muti-tasking in my small bathroom, I turned my head and hit my eyebrow on the wall. It was bleeding bad. All my years teaching young kids that are prone to accidents taught me to stay calm, put pressure on the minor cut and then ice it. A friend was texting me that he was downstairs of my home literally right before I banged my head.
Luckily, he was there to help me through it and reassure me it wasn’t that bad. Or, it was all his fault since I was reading his text as I turned my head! No, I am kidding. Well, maybe half kidding.
My week up until then was very busy and accidents are often a reflection that we are going too fast and not fully present. After the bleeding stopped, I told my friend I was fine. “Oh, I’m fine” was my mantra all week but deep inside I knew I knew I was running too fast. I felt like I was running two steps behind all week.
At the time of hitting my eyebrow, I was getting ready for a job interview. I just didn’t have time for this I told myself and kept pushing through my daily chores and responsibilities even though what I desperately needed was some self-love time and to SLOW down. I teach this over and over to my students but believe me, even yoga teachers forget to practice mindfulness and self-love. Or at least I did last week. We are all human.
My eye seemed to be fine with a minor cut that would leave a faint scar, But three days later, I awoke with massive swelling on my eyelid that looked like I had been beaten by an angry boyfriend or husband! I looked like Rocky. No not quite that bad but pretty scarry bad.
I rushed to the hospital and saw two doctors that gave me two opinions. I was worried my eye would not heal and I would look ugly and have permanent damage. One eye wouldn’t fully open and I was like OMG please just make this go away!
So much vanity was kicking in and I was far from practicing self-love affirmations that day. I felt slight panick and fear. The doctors assured me the puffing and swelling would go down but my eye ball also couldn’t fully stretch in all directions as well as the other one.
Both doctors had a different idea of what caused the swelling and what was going on. Shows you that even doctors don’t really have the answers. I guess we all know that but when we are vulnerable and go to the doctor we are hoping that they do have an answer.
As, I write this blog, I was supposed to be in La to visit a guy that I find to be extremely charming and adorable.
My eye was puffy just days before my flight and I did not have the confidence to visit him feeling so ugly. My whole life I was told I have big beautiful eyes. If I don’t have my looks am I worthy to visit him? Aweful to think but yes, I really thought that my face and eyes held my value as a person especially in terms of a new romantic relationship. I thought of former boyfriends who really loved me one hundred percent. Ugly, pretty, bitchy and with all of your shadows and flaws. Ah, how rare is that?
Remember, true love is precious and not to be dismissed.
I also wondered, “where did all the hours, no years, of working on myself and self-love go?”. Apparently, it went on vacation this week. My doubts soared way up. I realized how much value I put on my eyes. Why did I feel my worth to this guy was solely based on my external beauty? Well, society tells us this. Even our friends and family affirm the value of looking good. So, it is a normal reaction but it is not a reaction based in truth. You are more than your external looks and physical capacities.
No, but seriously, I was wise to cancel my trip because a lot of guys would be like, “No I am not kissing what looks like a boxer post match. Please go away!!!”. Ha ha ha.
Now, when you first start seeing someone, you want to look your best of course and feel good on the inside and out. But I just felt like crawling in a hole and not coming out.
I finally was surrendering that I needed to slow down, that my body needed healing and that x, y and z obligation, phone call etc could wait. My well-being was priority number one.
So, I’m not in La as planned and that is ok. In fact, accepting that plans change and to not fight what Ashem has planned for us has been another beautiful lesson this week.
Now that my eye is back to normal, I feel beautiful again. I also see that my sense of internal beauty and value need a lot of work. One day, all of our external beauty will fade with age. Or at least change to another kind of beauty. Not the beauty of youth but to the beauty of wisdom that shines through our wrinkles and the joys and hardships that life has marked on our bodies. As Carolyn Myss says, our bodies are our biographies.
I see that we all fall and need support getting back up.
I see that I still stumble and make mistakes like we all do. We are all human after all.
I am grateful my vision and eye weren’t seriously hurt and that through this struggle I may help women who face these same insecurities and doubts regain confidence and shine!
Let me tell you in case you haven’t heard it lately:
You are beautiful!
You are strong!
Whatever challenge you are going through now, you will be ok and you will get through this!
Until the next time!
Amd remember to stay WILD!